Far From Prefect - A Parody
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: A parody of Nataku's Childs 'Far From Perfect.' It's got everything a person could ever want in a parody, and muhc, much more! Buy some today! Er... That isn't right... Just read and review!
1. The Corri-doors of Craziness

Just another day in parodies... This is another weird parody. So, basically, be ready for just about anything. Hmmm... I really need to know the lyrics to Britney Spears' 'Oops I did it Again,' or whatever the hell that song is called. I have a most interesting idea for a parody to do based on that. Okay, I normally don't do this, but it's how Nataku's Child started out the original one. I mean, you know, the 'I don't own Gundam Wing' thing. Everything other than that is my words. Mine, mine, mine. So... I do not own Gundam Wing, if I did, there would have been many scenes in which Duo was naked, even more scenes showing Heero and Duo kissing, and perhaps even more, and it probably wouldn't have been nearly as good. Except for the parts where Duo would have been naked, if I'd owned Gundam Wing. And now on to what you clicked on the name of this fic to read...  
  
(Wow, this is gonna be harder than I thought... I don't do that whole point of view thing... Oh well. I'll start after all the flash back, flash forward, flash back, flash forward stuff. I'll do it all in a nice orderly time frame.)  
  
Sheesh... Well, it all begins at the coffee shop, I guess... Soooo.... "Heero... I brought you here to tell you something very important..." Heero waited rather impatiently for Duo to finish his sentence. "And... Well... It's hard to tell you this... But... Well... I think you cheated when we played Duck Duck Goose last week..." Heero frowned. "So that's it? That was what was so important? That's what you had to tell me?" Duo bit his lower lip nervously. "No, that isn't all. I also... Well... I'm pretty sure you peeked when we were playing hide ad seek the week before that." Heero rolled his eyes. "I did not peek, alright? So just drop it. Is there anything else? Maybe you want to tell me that you think I cheated when we played... I don't know, some other stupid, childish game that we never actually played?" "Heero... I love you..." (Now let's see just how much I can tweak the story line... That is what I'm best at, after all... I wasn't called tweaked guy for nothin'.)  
  
Duo had looked down when he said that and when he looked up, execting to see Heeros face, he saw... A cows face. Duo was startled, and jumped backwards. "Hehehe..." Heero lifted the cow mask from his face. "So, you say you love me, huh? Well, I read further ahead into the script, and I figure I can do some serious damage to the plot if I... Well, I'll show you." Heero leaned forward and pressed his lips to Duos. After a few moments, he slipped his tongue between Duos lips, and a while after that he finally pulled away. "I love you too, Duo." Then the roof of the coffee shop disappeared, and a thundering voice from the sky said "Damn you you messed with the plot! Now I have to think up the rest from scratch!" And then the roof reappeared. "I knew that'd mess up the plot." Heero grinned. "So... That's the only reason you did that? Just to screw up the plot? I should have expected something like that from you. You can't feel things like love, can you?" Duo shoved past Heero and ran from the coffee shop. Then the roof disappeared momentarily again, and the author stuck his head out from the clouds, and stuck his tongue out at Heero. "I fixed it." He said, and then vanished.  
  
(Ah, now the plot shall be tweaked...) Duo ran from the coffee shop. How could he have done that? Is that all he cares about? The mission and the plot? He couldn't at least have just said he didn't feel the same way, or something? Duo ran down the street, but then the street suddenly vanished. He was inside a vast, seemingly endless hall, full of doors. Each door had something written on it, but he couldn't make out anything any of them said. He walked cautiously down the hall, and eventually he saw a door that had writing he could understand. "Mind? Why does this door say 'mind?'" Duo reached for the doorknob, twisted it, and pushed the door open. He entered the door, and then the door disappeared. "Where am I?!?" The room he was in seemed to be completely round, and he was just floating in the middle, but he felt solid ground beneath his feet. The room kept changing colors, and spinning around slowly. First it was purple, then blue, then red, then green, and then purple again. A young boy came out of nowhere and ran up to Duo. Th-That's me!  
  
The boy looked up at Duo. "Mister, help! There's a man chasing me, and he's got a gun!" A man? With a gun? That seems familiar... The boy ran behind Duo, and once he had gotten about two feet from Duo, he simply vanished. Soon after he vanished, a man holding a gun suddenly appeared, and ran towards Duo. "Hey, did you see a kid run by here? He's wearin' clothes just like yours, and he's got a braid liek yours, too, but he's a lot smaller than you..." I... Remember that guy... I remember this, this all happened... Duo pointed to his left, a different diretion than the younger him had run. The man ran off in the direction Duo had pointed, and then the multi-colored, spinning room disappeared and he was back in the colony he had been born in. "I remember this... I ran over this way, I was being chased by that guy because he saw me stealing from the Oz base... And then I saw someone... Someone that looks exactly how I look now. And he did exactly what I just did..." Duo turned around to go after the younger him, but he was then back in the spinning, color-changing room.  
  
A voice rang out from all directions. "What you have just experienced is a memory, however the memory is only a memory because I did so. If I had not sent you back into your memory, you would not have helped yourself, and you would have been killed by that man." Then he was back in the hallway, with his back against the door labelled 'mind.' So the only reason I'm alive is because this happened back then, and I somehow went back in time and saved myself? This place doesn't make any sense at all... Duo continued on down te hall, looking for a door that said 'exit.'  
  
Heero ran out the coffee shop only seconds after Duo. "Duo, wait! What? Where did he go? He couldn't possibly have gotten very far from here... There is absolutely nowhere he could go from here, at least a minutes run from here..." Heero looked all around him, but didn't see Duo at all. Great... You had to go mess with the plot, and now because of it, Duo thinks you're just a cruel heartless bastard. And, worst of all, he thinks you don't love him. Good going... Heero frowned, and wandered off in the opposite direction Duo had disappeared in. He was staring at the ground, thinking about what he had just done, when the ground suddenly changed. "Where am I?"  
  
Heero appeared to be in some sort of hallway full of doors. "What? These doors all have writing on them... I can't understand them, though... Wait a minute... That one over there, I think I can read it." Heero ran to the door he had seen, and read what was on it. 'Poo?' What the hell is that suppoed to mean? Oh, they look like initials. P.O.O. Well, it still doesn't make sense. I guess I should go inside." Heero entered the room that the door labelled P.O.O. led to. Once he entered the room, he saw that the room was spherical (round, for those of you who can't read big words like that) and spinning slowly. "What the hell? This entire room is made out of dog crap!" A voice then rang out from every direction at once. "No, it is made of dog poo. Now watch closely..." The rooms color changed slightly. "Horse poo." The room changed color again. "Chicken poo. Now pig poo. rabbit poo. mouse poo. Winnie the Poo." All the while the room was slightly changing colors. Verious shades of brown and green appeared all over the room. "This concludes the lesson on poo." Then Heero was back in the hallway. "I may never open a door again after that..."  
  
Duo saw another door with writing he could understand. "'Body.' I wonder what's in here..." Duo opened the door and entered the room. It looked just like the previous room, and was spinning about slightly faster. Then the colors all disappeared, and the spherical (Round, remember?) room was left completely white. But the whiteness only lasted for a few seconds, and then the walls were covered with photos of Duo with no clothes on. The voice began to speak again. "This is your body. It looks great, and... Well... A certasin part of it is quite large..." This time the voice was definitely coming from one particular side of the room. Duo glared at that side of the room. "So what? What teh hell does that have to do with anything?" The voice laughed, and then spoke again. "Nothing. I just wanted an excuse to be able to look at these pictures..." Then Duo was suddenly back in the hallway again. "This place is way too confusing..."  
  
Heero spotted another door. "Let's see what this one says... McDonalds? Hey, sounds good to me!" Heero turned the doorknob and pushed open the door but it wouldn't budge. "Why wont you open? Open up, you stupid door! I'm hungry! I didn't get a chance to eat at the damn coffee shop place. I don't even know whether they had food or not... They had coffee though, and I'm thirsty, so therefore I was at the very least deprived of a drink, so OOOOPPPPEEENNN UUUUPPPP!!!" Heero shoved open the door, and he heard a voice say "If you insist..." Heero ran into the room, but all that was in the room was a nude old man. "Hi, sonny, I'm old man McDonald! Wanna... Have some fun?" Heero ran from the room and slammed the door closed behind him. "I want to get the hell out of here, and fast..."  
  
Duo read the writing above the door. "Soul,' huh? So it's going to give me a look into my soul or something?" Duo opened the door and stepped inside. The room was the same colors s the previous two had been, and was also spherical, and was ALSO spinning around, though faster than the other ones had been spinning. "So, you going to show me the inside of my soul or something?" Duo asked, and the voice, which was coming from a distinctly smaller portion of the part of the room he had figured out it was coming from before, began to seak once again. "No, I don't know how to show you your soul, so I just invited some people over to sing some soul music." The room was then filled with people singing, and Duo exited the room quickly. "No, thanks. I'd rather just get out of here, if you don't mind."  
  
Heero saw another door with writing he was able to read. "Crap, what's that door say? 'Heart?' Fine, whatever, I'll go in. But if this place is full of cow hearts or something, I'm going to kill someone..." Heero entered the room, and, to his surprise, he had walked into a waiting room. A woman behind a desk in the room told him to have a seat. "Hey, you're that lady who as talking in those other two rooms, aren't you?" The woman nodded her head. "Yes, I am." "Why am I here? And where am I?" The woman just smiled and said "You'll find out in a minute."  
  
Duo found another door, though this one had the writing in gold letters. Unfortunately, all but two of the letters had been removed, and only the first two letters remained. "'He'... Probably heart. So, apparently either this place is going to be filled with the hearts of dead animals, or it will be a look into my own heart. Well, the way things have been going, I could just enter to find a bunch of pictures of my heart... But, whatever, I'll go in." Duo opened the door and stepped inside. "A waiting room?" He asked ion surprise. Then a door at the opposite end of the room opened, and a woman entered. "Hello, I'm... Well, my name isn't important. Go on in." Do thgouht carefully. "You're that lady that was talking in the other rooms, huh?" She nodded her head, and then pointed at the door. Duo walked through the door the woman had come out of and found himself in a room resembling all the others he had been in. It changed colors, and was spinning around, though it was spinning very slowly.  
  
"You can go in now, Heero." The woman told him. "Okay then... Hey, how did you know my name?" the woman smiled again, and gestured at the door. "Go on inside." Heero stood right where he was. "Why should I trust you? How do I know there isn't a, a, a tiger or somehting in there, waiting to eat me?" The woman laughed.. "I don't have any reason to want to kill you. I just want to help. So go inside. He's waiting..." Heero turned his head and looked diretly at her. "Who's waiting?" The woman laughed, and then she, the desk, and the door Heero had entered through disappeared. "Well, I guess I have to go through this door now..." Heero opened the door, and walked inside.  
  
A door on the other side of the room opened, and someone entered the spinning, color-changing room. The door closed behind the person that had entered, and Duo couldn't see who it was, because the lights had been turned off a few seconds before the person had entered. The woman from the other rooms he had been in then began two speak. "I don't need to recreate your memory to show you what I want to show you. I don't need to invite singers, or paint the room with poo, or anything, either. All I need to do to show you what should be in this room is let you see each other. So this is what is inside your hearts." Then the lights were turned on, and Duo saw that the other person in the room was Heero.  
  
"Duo... Duo, I need to apologize to you for earlier..." Heero began but Duo turned around and ran to the wall opposite Heero, searching for the exit. Duo threw open the door, and went back into the waiting room. "Duo, wait!" Heero ran across the spinning, multi-colored room, and went through the same door Duo had gone through only moments before him. "Duo, wait up! I just want to say I'm sorry..." Heero yelled, but the waiting rooms exit door was already closing as he entered the room. Heero opened up the door and ran down the hallway after Duo. "Duo, please, wait!" (Not too parody-like so far, is it? That's what endings and second chapters are for...)  
  
Duo ran through the hall, looking desperately for the exit. "I have to get out of here. I can't forgive Heero for what he did to me..." Duo was knocked to the ground by an obese man who exited through a door with writing Duo couldn't understand. The fat man said something, but Duo couldn't understand a thing he said. "I don't have a damn clue what you're saying." The fat man slapped Duo, and then spoke in English. "Why the hell are you running? If you had hit me only a litte harder, I would have ended up..." The fat man then farted. "Oh, never mind, I did it anyways... Those were some damn good bean burritos, though..." The fat man then waddled down the hall in the opposite direction Duo was going, mumbling something in a different language that Duo couldn't understand. "Whatever." Duo ran down the hall, and saw a door that said 'exit.' He opened the door, and ran inside. "Ow!" Duo hit the brick wall behind the door and fell to the ground. "Sorry, but this isn't the real exit." The woman said from somewhere behind the wall. Then Heero caught up with Duo. "Duo, I'm sorry..." Duo stood up, glared at Heero, and then turned around. "I an't forgive you for that, Heero. I don;t really know why not... But that's what it says in the script, so I have to say it. Now goodbye." Duo ran down the hall, and went through the real exit, Heero following close behind.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Not very parody-like, I must admit... But I had to get that weirdness out of the way. The next chapter is where it will become a bit more parody-like. Anyways, don't forget to REVIEW THIS THING! I guess that's all I have to say, so goodbye, people! 


	2. Far From Prefect - Return to the Hallway

Hmmm... Websters High School Dictionary, page 654. 'Parody. Noun. 1. A literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is losely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule. 2 A feeble or ridiculous imitation.' Interesting, isn't it? I dunno if I've done a good job at making the exact definition of a parody or not, but I've accomplished my own little definition of a parody. Anyways, I suppose I should now write the second chapter. So here 'tis....  
  
(Okay, gotta quickly review the second chapter of far from perfect... Right then. So that is what shall happen next. On with the fic!)  
  
One Week Later...  
  
(This part is supposed to be in the first chapter... Oh well. Better delayed that not at all.) Heero looked into Relenas eyes. "Heero? What was it you wanted to ask me?" I read the script of Far From Perfect, and he's going to ask me to marry him! Oh, I'm such an airbrained ditz that I actually think Heero might possibly be interested in me when I really don't stand a chance against Duo! Heero opened his mouth to speak. "Well... I... Just wanted to ask you if...." Heero got down on his knees. He's going to propose! "Relena, will you please... Will you please talk to Duo and see if you can get him to forgive me?" Relenas shoulders sagged. "Stupid bastard..." "What?" "Oh, nothing... Sure, I'll talk to Duo for you."  
  
(Sorry, I just can't stop talking... And I can't get that damn song out of my head either... *So goodbye yellow brick road, Where the dogs of society howl. You can't plant me in your penthouse, I'm going back to my plough...* Sorry... Aaaaaanyways... The point of this interlude is to make sure you know something about the title of this thing. Prefect. One of the definitions of prefect is a school hall monitor type person. That's the definition I'm using, because of the hall in the first chapter. Now back to the fic....)  
  
Duo stared blankly at the author. "I can't... Remember... My line! What part of that do you not understand?!" "No abla espanol?" The author asked in return. "Argh, what the hell is wrong with you?!?" "Nothing. Just wanted to annoy you a little. Your next line is 'I am absolutely, totally, completely, 100% in love with the author of this fic.'" Duo peered at the author suspiciously. "Are you SURE?" The author nodded his head. "Okay, well, if you're sure... Ahem. I am absolutely, totally, completely, 100% in love with the author of this fic.' Hey... That wasn't my line! I remember it now! It's 'It sure looks like it's gonna rain today.'" Duo grabbed the script from the author and hit him on the head with it. "Hmmm... Let's see what happens next!" Duo opened up the script, but the pages were completely blank. "Hey, where's the script?" "There isn't one. You think I actually think about what I'm going to write before I do so? That only happened once, and that was in 'Standing Outside The Fire.'"  
  
Relena approached Duos house and knocked on the door. "Yeeeeees, who is it?" Duo asked form within. "It is I, Juliet!" Duo opened the door. "What the hell are you talking about, woman? You've been reading the wrong script. Or you would have been if there was a right script... Er, come on in." Relena entered Duos house. "So, whaddya want?" Relena winked at Duo. "You know what I want. I want YOU." "HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLPPP!!!" Duo screamed, and the brave, courageous, super0intelligent, really really cute author came to the rescue and knocked Relena out with the script. But doing that caused a time/space distortion, and Duo suddenly found himself in the hallway full of doors once again. "Huh? A door labelled 'Cledus T. Judd?'" Then the woman from last weeks voice rang out. "Don't open that door!"  
  
Duo heard her voice and decided that the door must be the exit since she didn't want him to open it. Duo threw open the door and ran inside the room. "Huh? Where am I?" Duo saw that he was in a used car lot. "What's a used car lot doing here?" Then an immensely obese woman waddled by. "Um, excuse me, but do you know where this is? OH NO, PLEASE DON'T SIT ON ME!!!" Duo cowered in fear as the woman turned around. "I ain't gonna hurt you, honey. And you're in Florida, in Jalopy's used car lot." Then she disappeared. "Jalopy's used car lot? In Florida... And that was told to me by a vanishing fat lady..." Duo saw the door he had come through floating in the air. He pulled on the doorknob and ran through the doorway. "I told you not to go in there... Hey, I've got an idea. Why not go through here?" The woman from the previous week stood in front of Duo, pointing at a door labelled 'Jo Dee Messina.'  
  
Duo gave her a quick, suspicious look and then went through the door. "I want you to burn!" A voice called out from somewhere in the room. "I don't want to!" Duo opened the door and ran back through. "Don't like that door? Try this one!" The woman pointed to a door labelled 'Saturn.' "Saturn, huh? Your friendly Saturn dealer can assist you with many things... What the hell, I'll go." Duo pushed open the door and stepped inside, immediately regretting it. He was in the middle of a vast desert with odd shaped rocks all around. Then Duo felt something moving in the sand beneath him, and he jumped away from where he was. As soon as he had cleared his previous position, a huge black and white striped snake of some sort jumped up from the sand. "Sand worms, ya hate 'em, right? Hey, I hate 'em myself!" A man wearing a similarly striped suit shouted out from about twenty yards away. "Yeah, sure, whatever. I'm getting the hell out of here!" Duo replied and ran back through the door. "Are you TRYING to kill me, or is it something that just coincidentally happens every time I step through a door you point to?"  
  
"Well, one of them has to be the exit, right? So shouldn't you go through all the doors you can?" "Shouldn't you know what door is the exit?" Duo queried. "Nope. I never use any of them, so I don't know which leads where." Duo began walking down the hallway, looking for a door that said something harmless. "'Cute fluffy bunny rabbits?' That can't possibly be bad." Duo opened the door and walked inside, and when the door closed behind him, the dust covering the words 'from mars' fell off. "Hmmm... So where are the rabbits?" Then a large, mutated, viscious bunny rabbit with huge, sharp fangs jumped in front of Duo and roared. (Yes, it roared. Anyone have a problem with that?) Duo once again ran through the door into the corridor of doors.  
  
"I need to get out of heeeeeeere!" Duo sat down in front of the door he had just come from and began to silently cry. Then one of the other doors in the hall opened up, and Heero stumbled out. "That fat lady running around disappearing and yelling 'Shop at Jalopy's used car lot' was way too much for me... !! Duo!" Heero ran to Duo and saw that he was crying. "Hey, why are you crying?" Duo stood and wiped the tears from his eyes. "'Cause that last room was scary. There was a huge, evil, bloodthirsty bunny, and it almost killed me..." Heero put his arm around Duo, but Duo pushed him away. Heero looked at Duo with a hurt expression on his face, and Duo almost gave in. Almost.  
  
"I'm sorry Heero, but I can't forgive you for what you did." Then the woman appeared once again and hit Duo repeatedly. The author appeared next to her and hit Duo several times with the thick, empty script (The script reminds me of Relenas head. They're both thick and empty.) "OW! What are you doing that for?" "Because you're being stupid!" The author yelled at Duo. "You're passing up a perfectly good looking guy that also happens to love you, and is also fairly intelligent, though not as smart as I. But that isn't the point. The point is you're giving up on him because of some stupid little thing. That's not a good thing. It's bad. And don't forget, I'm mentally unstable. If you don't do as I say and marry Heero within the next 24 hours, I will have no choice but to kill you. Which reminds me, I'm quite angry at Nataku's Child for the ending of the second chapter of 'Far From Perfect.' 'And me? Well I got over the fact that life isn't perfect. Heero and I might get hitched some day, you never know. But I love him, and he loves me. I'm happy and for the first time in my life I feel full. I'm not saying we'll live happily ever after. There's some bad things in life too. But what I'm saying is that everything in between feels like magic. And now I live my life, for the fairy tale in between.' I wonder if I could get in trouble for putting that much of the original in my fic... robably not if I give credit. Though it is quite possible I still could... Anyways, that was from the original fic, 'Far From Perfect.' It was written by Nataku's Child. Fool... Didn't even bother to write the big wedding scene. And for some odd reason, that last line sticks in my head, and it annoys me greatly."  
  
"But my parody of it shall end much better. I will write in the big wedding scene, and there'll be lots of... Lot's of cake. Yup. Cake is good. And I'll write in something extra, making a sequel possible... Hehehe. I'm a genius. Dammit! I said all that out loud! Oh well." Then the author led Heero and Duo to the exit. As soon as they were out, the author did a little editing, and... Poof. Heero and Duo were in tuxes, their closest friends (And Relena, too) appeared, and then the whole wedding thingy began. (So far I'm not doin' that great of a job on the wedding scene, am I? Onwards!) Er... Ah, whatever. Heero and DUo stepped up to the altar, some guy said a bunch of stuff and asked them questions, Heero said 'I do,' Duo said 'I do,' everyone cried, and the author ran around screaming "I finally did it! Out of the 30+ chapters for the 10+ fics I've written, Heero and Duo have finally gotten married! I actually did it! Now I've got to write chapters in which they get married for all the other fics. I dunno why. I guess I just really really like the thought of those two married. This is a bit too much to be running around screaming, isn't it? Ah, well, I have great vocal chords. I guess..."  
  
The author ran to the cake and began eating. "Hey, you aren't supposed to eat the cake yet!" Quuatre frantically yelled. "I spent all day baking that, and you eat it in two minutes?!" Quatres lower lip began to quiver, and Trowa had to conosole him. "Hey, sorry. I'm hungry. And I like cake. And I'm quite glad that I accomplished that. And... Heeeeey... You two should get married!"  
  
To be continued...  
  
In the famous words of Anjel... Um. And in the famous words of theguywhohasaname... Icky icky icky ptooing zowie! And in the famous words of Heero... That was irrelevant to the closing chapter of this fic. And in the famous words of Quatre... Trooooooooooowaaaaaaaa! Duo was picking on me again! And... Well, I guess that's about all I can really think of. I'm too tired to continue writing. So this shall be the end of this chapter. This fic, however, will be continued. That's the only problem I have. I can never seem to be able to end a fic. It just gets longer and longer and longer... Okay. I should probably exit now. But first I would like to make something absolutely clear. I am NOT an inflatable lesbian elephant. Okay then, now I shall end this chapter... (Please read and review my other fics too!) So. Goodbye for now, people! 


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